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I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Authentic Larry Bird Jersey . This is an exercise I have undertaken a few times, starting in 2009, and hope that Ive refined my approach a little bit in that time to help paint a better picture. Authentic Walter Brown Jersey . The Brazilian-born strikers brace drew him level with Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo as the leagues leading scorers with 17 goals apiece through 16 rounds. "The important thing is to help the team win, not the goals," Diego Costa said. After a first half dominated by defence, Atletico pressed Valencia into its area and Diego Costa did the rest. http://www.cheapcelticsjerseysauthentic.com/?tag=authentic-bob-cousy-jersey . The Thornhill, Ont., native, who is ranked 11th in the world, said hed hoped he would be ready when Canada begins its World Group first-round tie against Japan in Tokyo on Friday. Cheap Celtics Jerseys Free Shipping .Y. -- The Buffalo Bills have fired receivers coach Ike Hilliard. Authentic Danny Ainge Jersey .S. -- Carl-Antoine Delisle snapped a tie in the third period with his second goal of the game to lead the Tigres past Cape Breton 4-3 in Quebec Major Junior Hockey League action Wednesday as Victoriaville won its eighth in a row.OTTAWA -- Two injuries have derailed most of Kaetlyn Osmonds rookie Olympic season, but she and her coach have managed to find a silver lining. Osmond said shes fully recovered from both a stress reaction in her left ankle, and a torn right hamstring, and is skating in practice better than at any other time in her relatively short career. And when the curtain comes up on the Sochi Olympics next month, Osmond, at least, will be fresh. "I think it will end up being a real advantage for her," her coach Ravi Walia said on the eve of the Canadian figure skating championships. "Some people are exhausted at the end of the season, and I think she wont be. Shes just getting better. This last month of training, shes just gotten so much better. And I really believe that she has a lot more in her this season to keep improving." The 18-year-old from Marystown, N.L., should be a lock for one of Canadas two Olympic berths in womens singles, and is Canadas most promising female skater since the retirement of Joannie Rochette. But a season that held so much promise for the skater who burst onto the international scene when she won Skate Canada in the fall of 2012 has been full of obstacles. She suffered the stress reaction -- a precursor to a stress fracture -- in August, and was off the ice for several weeks. Then finally back on the ice for Skate Canada in late October, she woke up the morning of her long program unable to put much weight on her leg. Tests determined it was a torn hamstring and she withdrew from the remainder of the Grand Prix circuit. "This whole year has been a big learning experience," said Osmond, who trains in Edmonton. Her goal this week is to show "that I can come back from anything." Walia said her recovery from her latest setback has been remarkable, and praised the teenagers positive outlook. "Shes had so many obstacless and so many setbacks, but whats been great is she has a good attitude, and whatever setbacks she had she would do whatever she had to to get back on track," he said.dddddddddddd "Even if she wasnt at 100 per cent, you could tell the motivation was there." "I was getting worried because of timeline," he added. "But each day she would come (to practice) and do whatever we had to do, and it would be successful each day. She got ready so quick." This seasons short program -- to "Big Spender" from the musical "Sweet Charity" -- was met with some criticism when she debuted it at Skate Canada. There were questions about whether the choice of music was too mature for the teen. She was referred to as "Canadas answer to Miley Cyrus." Both Osmond and Walia shrugged off the negative comments. "She knows her program is appropriate for her, she likes it and its exciting to do, so it didnt bother her at all," Walia said. "It was brought up to be something that it wasnt. Half the skaters out there are skating to music, that maybe where it comes from, might be a story that theyre not portraying. Shes skating to a 60s style dance. "It was a little surprising, it didnt necessarily bother me," he added. Osmond won Skate Canada Challenge -- a qualifying event for nationals that she normally would have skipped -- early last month, and now, with obstacles behind her, is poised to make her Olympic debut. "It just seems like everything is going really fast. Its exciting," said Osmond, who was eighth at last years world championships. "(Making the Olympic team) still hasnt fully crossed my mind, I think its still such a shocker to even think of the possibility, so I dont think it will fully register until I actually make it." Skate Canada will name its team for Sochi on Sunday. 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